Monday, September 16, 2013

Golf Cliches and How to Avoid Them

Golf has more cliches than you can shake a stick at. Some are naff, some are incredibly naff. Here are my top eight.

1. You'll use every club in the bag
Used to describe a golf course. If you're rubbish then yes, you'll probably use every club in your bag... and a shovel. If you're any good, you will be too focused to notice.
Naffness: 9/10

2. I left a few putts out there 
Ah, no you didn't. You finished every hole and you're standing here with a golf ball in your hand. Where did you leave the putts would you mind telling me?
Naffness: 7/10 

3. Overall, I'm very happy with the way I played 
"Overall" is it! In other words, you're about to gripe about a couple of missed putts or a tree that jumped into the fairway... which prevented you from, what, breaking 60?
Naffness: 6/10 

4. I just wasn't able to play my game today 
Seriously! And whose game were you playing exactly!
Naffness: 7/10. 

5. It's on the dance floor 
No it's effing not. If it's on the 'dance floor' then you're in serious trouble and you'll be paying damages for the broken window.
Naffness: 7/10

6. Shaved the hole 
I'm not even going to go there. If you call missing the hole by six inches 'shaving' then you need glasses and a better barber.
Naffness: 9/10 

Whose theory calculated that a tree is 90% air?
The approach to the 18th at Dromoland Castle
7. Trees are 90% air 
You know and I know that if the ball's heading for a tree then it's hitting woodwork. Maybe it's Murphy's Law, Sod's Law or Darwin's Theory of Evolution, but trees were designed to be hazards on a golf course and they're damn good at doing their job. 90% air, my arse.
Naffness: 10/10 

8. Keep Your Head Down/You Lifted Your Head 
The king of erroneous advice. It's the fallback, isn't it? Somebody fluffs a shot and someone else quips: 'you lifted your head'. I guess my response to that is: for exactly how long do you want me to keep my head down? Surely I have to come up for air sometime. Never give advice. Ever. Or someone else might start giving it to you. 
Naffness: 9/10 

Any more 'best' or 'worst' golf cliches, please feel free to add.


  1. Never up, Never in!! There's no pictures on a scorecard!! It's a game of inches!! One shot at a time!!Time to let the big dog eat!! and finally You drive for show and putt for dough!!

  2. Hard Luck....GOOD PUTT...

    NO it wasn't IT DIDN'T go in...