Full on at Fota Island

How many courses in Ireland give you the opportunity to hear monkeys being fed? Or how about an escaped lemur wandering up the 4th fairway? Answer: 1. Fota Island sits next to a wildlife park so you might hear the occasional sound that will seem very out of place. Of course, in such a beautiful wooded and mature setting there is an abundance of native wildlife, with red squirrels rushing between the trees – one lives just outside the clubhouse – and swans and ducks relaxing in the pretty ponds scattered about the course. It adds tremendously to the golfing experience, which is superb. Golf aside, the facilities are amazing. The locker rooms are the height of luxury – how often can you open the door of your shower and walk five paces to reach the controls. There’s a Turkish Bath too. And you could spend all day in the bar – I know I did. [Photo: tee shot on par 5 18th]

Beautiful and picturesque golf, that’s hard enough to challenge you, but generous enough to let you away with mistakes. In fact, it encourages you to score and that, for me, makes for very rewarding golf. And then you have the buzzing clubhouse. My thanks to Seamus, Director of Marketing, who made me feel very welcome - as did everyone.

Fota Island is one of the top parkland courses in Ireland, and it deserves to be there. There will always be a debate about which is the best – choose between Fota Island, Mount Juliet, The K Club, Druid’s Glen, PGA National and Adare Manor – but Fota Island is definitely in the top two or three. I have yet to play in Northern Ireland, so I’m sure that list will expand in the months ahead.

And one last thing, are there many courses out there with a Ha Ha wall? And no, I’m not being funny.

Catching the tube at Castlemartyr

This is the start of a three week, 29 course trip and it took me three hours to get to Castlemartyr, the ‘newest’ course I’ve played so far, with the back 9 only open a few months. So I was stiff after the drive – cough – an abysmal 17 over!

The Capella Hotel group own the whole affair and the hotel is, by all accounts, divine. It’s a good drive in and it’s such a shame that the beautiful water on the right of the road doesn’t come in to play on the course. Or the castle ruins for that matter. It certainly adds to the experience. And as well as the hotel there are lodges you can rent, so it’s a great base to play golf. When you consider that Fota Island is 20 minutes away (with its own hotel I might add), this is a good base for some great inland golf.

On the golf front, the clubhouse is still being constructed, but what a remarkable beast it is going to be – see pic. Timber flanks and a flattened tube like shape may not sound enthralling, but it is certainly different. At the moment you can play this quality course for €50 – a discount on the anticipated €95 because of the lack of the facilities, which are housed in prefabs. I’d have to say that prefabs they may be, but they’re better than many of the facilities I’ve used on my travels. [Photo: Par three 12th]

It was a perfect day, in the 20s and gorgeous sunshine. You couldn’t ask for better conditions – just a shame about the golf.

New Forest & Mount Temple

New Forest is a nice touch of luxury - an 18th century manor house is now home to the clubhouse. As you walk from the locker rooms up to the bar/restaurant, the stone steps show the wear and tear of over 200 years of traipsing up and down. Each step is gently indented in the middle. Can't be many clubhouses around that boast a history like that.

The golf course is a spanking new affair and at 7am it was wonderfully misty [Photo: Par 5 5th], making the silence thick and damp. By about 7.30 the birds had started and it broke the spell somewhat. As you walk from the walled garden 9th par three (Coollattin anyone?) you have a long walk to the 10th, and the birds seem to be all you hear. Arrive at the 11th and you'll discover something about the course: it's tough. 11 is a par three of 207 yards, with some water along the left and trees on the right. Its Index is 17!

The staff are very friendly - and it had nothing to do with the arrival of some young male actor from Fair City - and were quick to give me directions to Mount Temple.

And what a different story Mount Temple was. It bills itself as a Golf & Country Club, with a Championship course. No, no, no! If this was a championship course would you see rabbits like this on the tee box. Evidently, someone agreed with me, judging by the bunny on the 8th tee box, and by the 17th I noticed that the rabbit had retreated sensibly to the ladies' tee.

Mount Temple is a fun country course, but let's not get too carried away.

The courses of Offaly

Let’s just say I knew I had arrived in Offaly. The wonderful mug of Brian Cowen was everywhere. I was on my way to Castle Barna when the first billboard appeared, and then every 100 yards thereafter. A popular man, our Brian. Round here at least!

I had a long chat with Evelyn Mangan at Castle Barna. Here is a young woman who loves the idea of golf but is terrified she might get addicted. Well, there’s only one way to find out… Castle Barna have run beginner evenings for ladies and they have proved very popular. Clearly Evelyn is itching to get back to it. [Photo: Castle Barna par 4 2nd]

Brian greeted me again, countless times, as I drove to Tullamore, a rather smart and elegant course that stretches through glorious woodland. In the bar I bumped into the charming Marie, head waitress and very much lady-in-charge. We chatted, about golf, my travels, her partner who is a member at Tullamore and Esker Hills and plays off 4 (I hate him already), and Castle Barna was mentioned.

“Every county needs a Castle Barna,” she said.

It was an interesting comment and I knew what she meant. If I said it was a straightforward course you might think I’m being insulting, but far from it. Castle Barna is a fun course with simple, unfussy design, striking ash trees and good greens. Good and bad golfers alike keep the club busy and while it doesn’t have the pedigree and maturity of the Portarlingtons and Tullamores of this world, it serves a very important function. Societies love it, and these days that’s the bread and butter for golf courses.

Back at Tullamore, the President, Tom Harney, arrived in the bar after I’d finished my round. He hadn’t known that I was coming and was a bit disappointed that I hadn’t managed to play with anyone. He would have played a round with me himself, he said. “I could have shown you all the nice woods where I usually end up.” I can well believe it. The woods will cause plenty of problems and some tee shots are seriously hampered. There’s nothing worse than looking at a tree off the tee and saying: ‘whatever you do, don’t hit it into that tree’ and then hitting it into that tree. It happened to me on hole 14, a long and lethal par four and Index 1. The tree was kind and deflected me back onto the fairway, but I doubt it’s that generous more than once a year.
[Photo: Tullamore par 5 4th]


Before I paid for my breakfast, I looked out the window to the practice green where an older lady was knocking balls back and forth. Her head stayed still, her body stayed still, and just her shoulders rotated. Three putts from 15 feet, and two of them dropped beautifully into the cup. I’m not a great putter, by any stretch of the imagination, so, Ma’am, I don’t know who you are, but thank you. I took your perfect rhythm to Esker Hills and managed to sink a few putts myself.

Ah yes, Esker Hills. The fact that there are 45 buggies says all that needs to be said. A good friend of mine played here some years ago and hated it. Hated the blind drives, the climbs, the effort. Combine that with Christy O’Connor Jr. as designer – not one of my favourites – and I wasn’t expecting much. I took my trolley and walked the course. I thought it was funny how people say it is unbelievably hilly. It reminded me of Rathsallagh where people talk about how long the walks are between holes – but there are only two walks of any length, to the 2nd and 11th tees. At Esker Hills if you take a buggy it is hugely hilly, because the paths go up and over the hills. If you walk it, a lot of these hills don’t come into the equation. Sure, there are a couple of steep climbs (up 4 and up to a few greens), but not nearly as bad I was expecting. Mind you, you do need to be hitting the ball straight to minimise the effort. So what did I think of the course? Loved it to bits. If I hadn’t already played twice that day I would have gone out and played it all over again. Although I would have taken a buggy second time around! [Photo: Esker Hills par 4 8th]

“Better than the K Club”

I almost choked on my beer. The man had walked in to the bar at Portarlington Golf Club and made this outrageous announcement. Then he looked at me and winked – “Do I get a free drink for that?” he asked with a grin.

If you live outside the Portarlington/County Laois area have you ever heard of this golf course? Have you heard how good it is? Whether you have or haven’t, it’s time to set the record straight, and the only way you can do that is to come and play it for yourself. I loved Athy and I loved Mountrath, but Portarlington is better still. Endless huge trees embrace the course, and, in holes 7, 14 and 15, the club has three absolute beauties that take your breath away. [Photo: Par three 3rd]

The man didn’t get his free pint, but he knew what he was talking about. This doesn’t have the same grandeur or pretensions, or the length, but in terms of sheer fun and enjoyment, the K Club doesn’t come close.

And great scones too!

The Heath at 6

After my good round at Athy on Monday – 39 points – I saw my handicap cut from 7 to 6. Finally, my non-stop golfing was reaping rewards. At least until the next morning, when I went round Mountrath in 10 over. And worse was to come.

The Heath – this morning – and it was a beautiful day. Sun splitting the sky and all that stuff. Perfect for golf. It was an open singles stableford competition and I was ready to test out my new status as a 6 handicapper. Boy, was I in for a disappointment. 11 points on the front 9, 14 on the back. Brutal.

I played with Mike and Joe, both 19 handicappers, and only Mike thrived. Sadly for him, a couple of scratches and late blemishes ruined a promising card. [Photo: Par 4 5th]

At one point Joe was hitting a second shot, standing three feet from a flock of sheep, sheltering under the trees. No interest whatsoever. Barely an eyelid batted. Like The Curragh, the sheep are allowed to roam freely over the course; unlike The Curragh, the sheep here seem to have better manners and do not invade the greens. And the greens are lethal. Three-putt country almost every time. And then there’s the gorse…

I think my 4 over gross at Athy won a prize, but the website says otherwise – it says that 7 over gross won. More to follow on that one. I had several things stolen from my camper van while it was being repaired in Birr, and I’m not going to have a prize stolen from me too. It might be golf balls after all, and as I wrote only yesterday – every ball counts on this trek.

Lost Balls - Mountrath collapse

Have you ever counted how many golf balls you lose in a year? I know that the likes of the Condrens (Eddie, Alan and Kevin from Greystones Golf Club) are unlikely to lose a ball a year with their low, low handicaps, and that 18 handicappers will lose a few, but isn’t it so satisfying to walk off the 18th with the ball you started with? I find it very difficult to do. I managed it at Athy yesterday, but I lost one at Kilkea Castle in the morning and one today at Mountrath. It was a shame too as I was playing quite well – but then came the 14th: a long par three with water on the right, and didn’t my ball hear it calling. Straight in, and I didn’t even have the pleasure of seeing the splash. I was so upset I didn't even take a photograph [Photo: Par 3 10th]

Then again, I decided to go searching on the riverbank. 7 balls later I came up for air. And how valuable those balls might be. I reckon I’m playing 360 courses, and I estimate that I lose a ball a round… that’s a lot of golf balls, so every find is valuable. My most productive round of golf from that point of view was Bright Castle, up North, where I found close to 20 balls. There are distinct advantages to playing very early in the morning when there’s no one putting pressure on you from behind. I spent about 15 minutes in the bushes and that was just one hole. My worst round, on the other hand, was at The Heritage. I was playing with my dad and I lost two balls off the 1st tee, one off the 2nd and two more off the 18th. I forget what came in between, but I found the acres of water at least once. Coincidentally, I wrote a lot of copy for the golf resort when it first opened, and I was taken on a tour of the course as it was ‘settling in’. It all looked glorious, so I was hoping to play well when I finally made it back. Never works that way though, does it! It’s worth mentioning that The Heritage has one of the best changing rooms I’ve ever seen. When you play that badly you need a little bit of comfort.

These were all tales I was telling the young pro, Jamie, at Navan golf club. I said I was hoping a sponsor would come along and fork out a few quid to support my golfing habit. He stepped over to the rack of golf balls and handed me two dozen spanking new balls. Ta very much, Jamie. I haven’t lost one yet (they’re still in the boxes).

[Photo: Mountrath par 4 15th]

A fine day in Athy

Athy is in a perfect spot, both for a golf course and for its proximity to Dublin county. It is also close to many other good clubs – Rathsallagh and Carlow most notably. Short and wonderful, with great character the whole way round. I played in an open competition on the May Bank Holiday Monday. I had two partners: Seth and Tom, but Seth cried off after six holes as he was recovering from flu and he was clearly struggling. Combine that with bad golf and it will do anybody’s head in. Seth, if you read this, I hope you get well enough to win your matchplay… and you’re overswinging.
[Photo: Athy, Par 4 7th]

Tom and I continued on a perfect day of sunshine and minimal wind. I had a great score for the first 9 – 23 points – but failed to maintain the momentum, while Tom suddenly found a bout of the three-putts. He is 66 and plays off 11, and finished with 34 points despite four or five three-putts. Hits the ball a long way too. Not the kind of guy to be playing for money.
We encountered an unfortunate incident at the 10th, where two gents teed off just as we walked over from the 9th. We were somewhat bemused by their arrival, while they were highly frustrated when we deduced that they thought they were playing the 1st. Penalised before they even started. Bummer. The problem for them was that the 10th tee used to be the 1st, back when it was a 9 hole course, which was when one of them had last played here. Unfortunately, it's no excuse.
My morning round had been at Kilkea Castle, a round not nearly as satisfying as Athy, although it does have some extremely memorable holes. Hitting at the Castle as you come up 18 is one of the highlights, while the River Greese that appears on numerous occasions is very calming. Another short course, I was round in 2 and a half hours. [Photo: Kilkea Castle, Par 3 10th]